An Angry Letter To The Stork

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Dear Mr. Stork,

 

I think there’s been a mistake.

You’ve got the wrong delivery address.

You see, I never ordered a baby.

It wasn’t on my agenda for 2016.

I had BIG plans for this year. I wanted to do some extensive travel…I intended on hitting up India, Sri Lanka, China and the US and anywhere else that may have taken my fancy.

I was even chipping away at the far flung idea of my husband quitting his job and we go on a globe-trotting adventure for a year, stress free!

I wanted to invest all my time and energy into my business and truly make this year count.

Adding a baby to the mix was not a part of my plan.

You see Mr. Stork, I am a planner and I don’t feel at all prepared for this surprise.

I was in two minds as to whether I actually wanted to have kids and to combat this I had even thought about doing a specific online course to help me ascertain the answer to this question.

Taking things to the extreme, I even considered working with a ‘Maybe Baby’ Coach to support me with this monumental decision.

But it seems you and the Universe conspired and made the decision for me.

Now I know I sound like an ungrateful and selfish pain in the ass. I am completely aware of this.

Especially considering I have dear friends who would love nothing more than to have a baby and are wading their way through the emotional roller-coaster of IVF.

It just seems strange that you gifted me a baby and not others more deserving.

And to be honest, I’m kind of angry as to how it all went down.

There was no elation, happy tears and celebration.

In contrast there was disbelief, annoyance, fear and avoidance coping.

I’ll explain the lead up and it may make a bit more sense to you Mr. Stork…..

After having a false negative test and a trip to the Dr.’s I was assured early on in the year that I wasn’t expecting.

But a month later and knowing something was up I received a positive home pregnancy test, a positive blood test, a trip to the emergency department with speculation that my symptoms could mean an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage, twins or possibly nothing wrong at all…..and that’s all in less than 24 hours.

This all happened right before I was due to go away for a week and whilst my husband was travelling from Malaysia to Hong Kong, three hours behind me in terms of time zone and approximately 7, 381 km away.

I had to inform him via Whatsapp that The Stork had dropped in but I wasn’t sure if everything was ok…..and I had to wait another four days for confirmation.

Brilliant.

Just brilliant.

After the four day wait I was informed that I was 8.5 weeks pregnant and everything was perfectly normal with the baby and I could continue on….

Continue on?

My year ahead and life had been flipped upside down.

Like I said before – this was not a part of my plan….and I’m a PLANNER!

Plus I had the added disadvantage of being apart from my husband for another 3 or so weeks and having stilted and somewhat awkward conversations over the phone…because I was in denial and didn’t want to talk about the baby.

I have so many emotions bubbling away inside Mr. Stork and I feel none of them are for public consumption.

I’m scared that I’ll lose my freedom and be tied down by a baby.

I’m not at all excited by the prospect of sharing my office space with an infant….or essentially it taking priority and I have NO office space!

The idea of changing nappies makes me gag, (hence why I’ve never done it), and I really LOVE sleep, and lots of it!

But to be frank, I’m really scared of the unknown and how this unexpected arrival is really going to shake up my life!

So Mr. Stalk, I want you to know that usually I’m excited by deliveries, especially online retail purchases. The beauty of these is that if you change your mind, you can send it back!

But I can’t really send this delivery back, now can I?

Yours in annoyance (and somewhat disbelief),

Ainslie.

 

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I wrote this ‘letter’ the day after I had it confirmed that, yes I was pregnant and that everything was ok with the baby.

I wrote it because for me, writing is my therapy. I needed to get all of the anger, frustration and sadness out…and tapping away at my laptop was the best option.

I never intended to share this, especially not on my blog.

But since coming back to Hong Kong and speaking to a few of my very wise friends they suggested that sharing my situation and the feelings around it could be beneficial to others who may have been through the same experience or felt similar emotions rise up.

At the time I believed that the way I reacted to the news of being pregnant and the negative feelings I had were wrong and completely against what was expected of me. I was scared of being judged and I was totally judging myself.

But now I know that I just had to embrace those feelings and not shy away from them….because ultimately, it made me feel worse.

To be honest, reading over this letter pains me but I can see how much I’ve grown since 8.5 weeks to 18 weeks down the pregnancy journey. (One of my core desired feelings for 2016 is ‘expansive’….and that’s exactly what I’m experiencing literally and figuratively!).

I’m pleased to report that most of the undesirable feelings around my pregnancy have subsided and I’m much more excited and accepting about having a baby in September!

I now see this baby as a little miracle, gifted to James and I by the Universe and she will be my greatest teacher and an invaluable little sidekick.

So here’s to accepting and embracing the idea (and not too distant reality) of motherhood, jumping into this new chapter of my life and trusting that the Universe always has my back.

…if you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Love,